1. The Planet with the Photocopier-gate First time they arrived, the natives loved chocolate and asked for more. SGC sent seven crates of chocolate for mining rites. Fourteen crates arrived. It was a puzzle but the team blamed it on over-zealous supply crews, especially since the seven-member mining crew arrived as ordered, not one person more or less. Then SG-1 left for home.
When one of the mining crew opened mouth inserted one foot one foot too many, the natives were surprisingly "nice". They didn't throw tantrums, didn't hold any hostages, didn't require blood rites or anything so gruesome like that. They merely sent the crew back with a small secretive smile. Seven member went through the gates, fourteen people arrived back at SGC.
The mess took several year's worth of migraine pills and the planet was not to be visited anymore.
"But they're nice people," Jack said, so they saved the address for an especially rainy day.
2. The Pollenosphere Planet Instead of a proper troposphere, this planet where advancedly-mutated humanoid bees thrive had a Pollenosphere thicker than the earth's first two atmospheric layer combined. It was enough to awaken the dormant allergies that lies in the core of every human being ever born on earth, however deep that core may be buried. And much to everyone's chagrin, the natives saw space-suits as replicas of their much-hated enemies and would not receive them in such "vile costumes".
The planet was locked out until a suitable industrial-strength anti-histamine could be invented, or for humans to evolve enough, or both. Even then, it was almost a given the Dr. J could only marvel at bee-scratchings and marvellous runes from afar.
3. Marvin's Homeworld The natives called their home planet, Fantabula, but Jack christened it Marvin's Homeworld after Marvin from Douglas Adam's tetralogy. The sense of pessimistically depressive paranoia saturated the air that even the most cheerful Sgt. Alice Golightly needed extensive therapy before she could crack a smile again.
The planet's designation was saved for those days one needed to send much hated enemies to their emo-demise. But so far, they hadn't thought of anyone they would wish it upon.
4. The Jackpot Planet According to an ancient manuscript found in a very unremarkable planet, there was this one planet with the most amazing cache of mining products, from base metals to naquadria to whatever else you could think of. A veritable planet worthy of several Congress-approved drool buckets.
But. Too hot. Too close to a red supergiant. Too risky. Too bad so sad.
A few senators tried to sponsor ways of inventing ultra-cooling gears, but Jack didn't think that anyone with the right frame of mind would want a visit to Planet Hell.
5. Mercury There were never Martians on Mars, but there were Mercurials on Mercury. Not the most unpleasant beings SG-1 had ever met, not the nicest either.
"You wont' send me there. ever. again!" Jack exclaimed. "Sir." He added belatedly.
"Indeed," Teal'c said, "It was worse than being locked in a room with seventeen menopausal goa'uld queens."
"A predicament you've found yourself in, I'm sure," Daniel said, wondering why he was so surprised at the "Indeed" he received.
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Date: 2009-09-28 07:18 am (UTC)First time they arrived, the natives loved chocolate and asked for more. SGC sent seven crates of chocolate for mining rites. Fourteen crates arrived. It was a puzzle but the team blamed it on over-zealous supply crews, especially since the seven-member mining crew arrived as ordered, not one person more or less. Then SG-1 left for home.
When one of the mining crew opened mouth inserted one foot one foot too many, the natives were surprisingly "nice". They didn't throw tantrums, didn't hold any hostages, didn't require blood rites or anything so gruesome like that. They merely sent the crew back with a small secretive smile. Seven member went through the gates, fourteen people arrived back at SGC.
The mess took several year's worth of migraine pills and the planet was not to be visited anymore.
"But they're nice people," Jack said, so they saved the address for an especially rainy day.
2. The Pollenosphere Planet
Instead of a proper troposphere, this planet where advancedly-mutated humanoid bees thrive had a Pollenosphere thicker than the earth's first two atmospheric layer combined. It was enough to awaken the dormant allergies that lies in the core of every human being ever born on earth, however deep that core may be buried. And much to everyone's chagrin, the natives saw space-suits as replicas of their much-hated enemies and would not receive them in such "vile costumes".
The planet was locked out until a suitable industrial-strength anti-histamine could be invented, or for humans to evolve enough, or both. Even then, it was almost a given the Dr. J could only marvel at bee-scratchings and marvellous runes from afar.
3. Marvin's Homeworld
The natives called their home planet, Fantabula, but Jack christened it Marvin's Homeworld after Marvin from Douglas Adam's tetralogy. The sense of pessimistically depressive paranoia saturated the air that even the most cheerful Sgt. Alice Golightly needed extensive therapy before she could crack a smile again.
The planet's designation was saved for those days one needed to send much hated enemies to their emo-demise. But so far, they hadn't thought of anyone they would wish it upon.
4. The Jackpot Planet
According to an ancient manuscript found in a very unremarkable planet, there was this one planet with the most amazing cache of mining products, from base metals to naquadria to whatever else you could think of. A veritable planet worthy of several Congress-approved drool buckets.
But. Too hot. Too close to a red supergiant. Too risky. Too bad so sad.
A few senators tried to sponsor ways of inventing ultra-cooling gears, but Jack didn't think that anyone with the right frame of mind would want a visit to Planet Hell.
5. Mercury
There were never Martians on Mars, but there were Mercurials on Mercury. Not the most unpleasant beings SG-1 had ever met, not the nicest either.
"You wont' send me there. ever. again!" Jack exclaimed. "Sir." He added belatedly.
"Indeed," Teal'c said, "It was worse than being locked in a room with seventeen menopausal goa'uld queens."
"A predicament you've found yourself in, I'm sure," Daniel said, wondering why he was so surprised at the "Indeed" he received.