Five things John never forgave himself for.


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sid: (Five Things Stargate)

From: [personal profile] sid

Five things John never forgave himself for


He never forgave himself for the end of his marriage. He realizes that it probably had to end, that it's probably best that it ended. For Nancy, definitely, to give her a chance to move on, to find someone else. Someone better. It was the way it ended that he can't forgive himself for.

He never forgave himself for getting even slightly involved with that woman in Afghanistan. He doesn't know what happened to her after his squadron moved out, but he shudders when he thinks of what very well may have happened. For her sins; for his. For so little. For nothing.

He never forgave himself for the way he treated Benjamin. A sweet, harmless fifteen-year-old boy with a crush on an upperclassman. John still breaks out into a sweat when he thinks of how he hit him, how he lashed out in denial and rage. In total, abject fear. He'd been just man enough to apologize, and just haunted enough by the changed look in Benjamin's eyes to have trouble sleeping for the next month.

He never forgave himself for not being the son his father wanted him to be, or for actually caring about what his father thought. His father wasn't the dad John wanted and needed him to be, either. Lose/lose. He clings to the thought that his mother would have understood and loved him just the same, but there's no way he will ever know.

He never forgave himself for waking the Wraith, for his part in Sumner's death, for his part in all the deaths that have followed.

He never forgave himself for any of those things, until Kate Heightmeyer showed him how.

From: (Anonymous)


Oh woobie John! I'm glad Kate helped him.


sid_fan
sid: (Five Things Stargate)

From: [personal profile] sid


I just couldn't leave him with all those burdens! Enter Kate...

From: [identity profile] antares04a.livejournal.com


He never forgave himself for any of those things, until Kate Heightmeyer showed him how.

Oh no, and then his alter ego killed Heightmeyer ....

That's a sad list but I can see John never forgiving himself for these things.
sid: (Five Things Stargate)

From: [personal profile] sid


Yes, the way Kate died adds another layer to this, doesn't it? I'm confident the things she'd taught him helped him deal with her death.
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